Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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