I forgot how hot balto sounded
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
they're like a gay fantastic four
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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