Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
