I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
