My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
