I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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