you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
