Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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