Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
