hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
bring money and cleavage
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
