There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
