Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize