yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
