My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
He felt like a one man threesome
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
