I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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