It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
