I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
