My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
So many bounce houses so little time
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
