My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
