I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
