I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
too bad you live with your parents still
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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