Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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