how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
