You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
