Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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