Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
