'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
