I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
i now understand why vodka
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
