Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
