I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
