i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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