dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize