Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
