I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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