I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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