trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
