So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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