it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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