I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Randomize
