Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
