Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
