An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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