I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
