Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
