i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
