"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
