1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
