When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
