seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Randomize