whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
why do cheetos always look like penises
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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