Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Enjoy the penises
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize