take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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