I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
We need a shit load of segways right now
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
