My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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