you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
