You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
cat food counts as protein by the way
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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