Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
