Don't you send me to vm
we have officially lost it.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
