i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Randomize
