my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
