Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
