You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
