nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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