Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize