I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Can you repeat that, but with context?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
