Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
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