Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
